Me

Suffice to say my  love for you is masked away by your own stupidity. . . 

guilt doesnt reside here anymore. . .

The vulnerable heart is no more in tune. . .

The watery eyes are cleaned  up. . .

All that left behind is a past that i left back, where it belongs. . .

I m not a fool. . .

No more a beggar. . .

No more a pathetic lonely girl. . .

I AM ME. . .

Born not from the ashes of yesterday but the dreams of tomorrow. . .

Yesterday I had a dream….

Yesterday I had a dream….

I was walking along a street immersed in my own world of thoughts….

But someone caught my eye….

A nomad sitting on the footpath….

He was smiling…. Smiling as if he knows some secret….

Curiosity got the better of me….

I approached him and asked why he’s smiling…..

He didn’t respond….

I asked again…. still no response…

I began to walk away and then he asked, “Why should I answer you…?

Why should I care about anything you people say about me and about life and its success…..?

Did they know anything about life….?

I smiled because when I watch them I saw their expression as if I am all lost…..

But actually who is more lost….?

I eat when I want to eat, sleep when I want to, and do whatever I want to whenever I want to…

What about them….

Lost in the race to some invisible finish point…..

They don’t know what they are missing….

Making money for a better future but hunger for more make them toil more….

So when will this better future come….?

They are ready to lose food, sleep, health or anything for a better pay….

But they don’t have time for their loved ones which is the only actual thing that matters in this life…

Now say, who is more lost….?”

I tried to answer him….. But I can’t….

Even after I woke up I am trying to answer his questions…. But still I can’t….

  

                             x---------x-----------x----------x------------x----------x

P.S: Here goes another post from my friend Nijo John. . . He was really inspired after reading all your comments on his last post and so now he write more often and better n better too..

 He could be reached by Facebook:Nijo John

                                     Google:    Nijo John

                                     Mail ID:   nijotjohn@gmail.com

My Final Goodbye

And this soul burning, 
The memories feeding the fire.
Off with the pain. . . I am lost. . .
You were the tune to the song of my life,
The sun in my sky,
The pearls that beautified my soul,
The air that I breath.
And as soon as it began,   
It ended. . .
Leaving me on this desert,
You left for the spring. . .
The mirages tricking me,
for I know you wont get back to me.. .
Here I stand under the hot sun,
With an aching soul,
Thirsty heart and trembling limbs. . .
Here I am lost, hanging on the
Web that u helped me build. . .
I'm lost. . . My path is erased!
Lonely and scared, I breath no more. . .
Broken from inside and the scares all over.
Love did leave me a loser!!
And then finally, escaping from
This anguish i choose death. . .
To you my love, Adieu...
Eloping from the pain
From our memories and 
Forever from you, I am leaving. . .

Pandemonium

As god is my witness
I  stand upon the fire
My feet hurt by them
It burns off my soul....
The anguish cry of my soul
too sharp. . . too piercing...
It hurts my own ear drums!
The doom is upon me. . .!
why, o why, i wounder,
the pandemonium choose me??!!
I curse my karma. but all
that came out is more cries. . .
Help me o help me!
pour out your  mercy!
oh thou most gracious, 
most merciful 
show me a little of your mercy. . .

An Autumn Night!

On the silent road
I stand too still,
afraid to move a trifle.
The red tree, lifeless
stands beside me,lonely.
The branches deprived of leafs,
the wind blew them off.
on this twilight
they are as naked as i am.
the moon glowed above us
making us look even more lonely.
somewhere on the branch
a lonely brow leaf 
danced with the wind....
then lightly, O so lightly,
descended down upon my feet.
the long stagnant tear
slipped frm my eye. . .
tomorrow the trees will be green,
the sun shining bright.
but today me and the tree is alike
lonely, naked, forgotten...

A Small puff For Life. . .

Life is one of the weirdest thing, in my opinion. . . Today let me introduce one of my friend who would like to share a  small thought about life. . . . Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Nijo John, A profound thinker. . . He plays with things that people hesitate to and yet comes out being successful. .  . Once he asked me if I would like to start a blog with him. . . And  I told him I'll think about it. . . Some times back I decided to give him a post in my blog. . .  So here is what he has for my faithful readers. . .  Go through it. . . You wont be disappointed. . . 

 He could be contacted via Facebook and Mail. Here are the address. . . 
 Facebook:Nijo John
 G mail       : nijotjohn@gmail.com
 

                     *-----------*---------------*--------------*------------*


As I watched the smoke swirls in the air, thoughts entered my mind....
Everybody's life is like a cigeratte...
You starts it, when it's burned....
But your inner fire is just obscured by the ash...
At some point you'll have to tap the tip and loose that ash...
Only then the fire will become visible....
But it's everyones own decision, when to tap the tip....
Also give that inner fire a little nudge by inhaling it, to make sure that fire is still on....
Just give your smoke the right conditions....
You'll sure get your fix for life....

(*Warning: Smoking is injurious to health. . .  Please do avoid it at any cost.  . .)

♥You♥

In this world of rush and roll,
I seldom find the reason 
to go on without feeling a numbness. . . 
All it demands is your voice,
and suddenly I feel alive. . . ♥♥♥ 
What is that in your voice 
that creates magic
in and around me??!
I wonder at this pace of time. . .

♥Love♥

♥♥Well believe me i have found love,
      in this small world. . . 
      It was not with my ex. . . 
      nor was it with my next. . . 
      It was simply inside me all the while. . . 
      waiting to be found ♥♥

What Never Quitting Does To You

I am not someone to blog long posts. If you are my regular reader you'll know that I usually blog short poems. The reason being that I am obviously lazy. But this time, I am blogging an article. This is not about any of those 'current problems of the society'  stuff, but rather something everyone had quite read and might as well as bored by now . Ya ya, the same piece of inspiring article. This one is a chapter from my own Life.


This story can be considered as the second part of my one of the previous post Pain and Regrets!  For those who missed that piece, to tell you in short, I was shut out from National University of Advanced Legal Studies (NUALS), kochin, One of the 11 best law schools of the country, for a difference of 4 marks. But that is how the system works. 4 marks or 1 mark, if you din't get it then no re-thinking, you are out of there!! And it was my dad who gave me the support every time I needed, though the NUALS incident hurt  him more than it ever did me. . .


I was emotionally crushed after that incident, but it was he, who pulled back the spirit in me to stand up and fight again. It was my dad's 'never quite no matter what' advice that put me here now!


He made me forget the NUALS  and made me try for All Kerala 5yr LLB  Entrance Examination. It was he who went through newspaper and found me a coaching class. It was him, who bought me books to refer. It was him who mend my broken spirit.


After the exam, I got worried about the result. Even though I had worked harde for this exam more than I had ever been for any, yes not even for my 10th and 12th borders did I study so much! But even then the ghost of my previous failure haunted me close... I would always say, 'If its in my fate i'll get it' and my dad he would reply 'There is nothing called fate, its the result of the hard work you put into'. And my dad was right. As my hard work did bring me the result I wanted. I passed out with 23rd rank all Kerala. 


So I dedicate this post to my father, who taught me What Never Quitting Does To You !! I love you dad, thanks for all the support and encouragement. You are the world's best dad!! XOXO!!! 

Pinpoints

Pinpoints of light,

Twinkling  before my eyes.

Teasing my vision,

Playing with my senses.

The urge to pull out my hand

And pull it into me..

Like all those tiny pearls.

Lighting the path of my soul..

The darkness of my mind,

Darker than the nights...

Tempted too much, i gave into

But, oh too late, all my illusion!!

Always beyond my reach,

Just like the stars!

Grin...

Out of the corner of lips

That crooked grin broke out.

The soften lips wide spread

Like a piece of silken carpet.

red vine on the floor.

The white little tooth,

the diamond of queen's crown.

up the face, the eyes 

bright and fresh

like the first sunshine after winter..

the sparks in them 

brighter than the star's..

and the face, winter's moon.  

out of the corner of lips

that crooked grin broke out...

♥Adieu♥

Adieu tears and adieu pain!

Its time for love and Happiness!

The marks of tears are no more seen,

The smiling face is all  you see..

The darken clouds are no more there.

The sun shine, warm and bright..

Sleepless nights are no more around,

Sweet dreams all the way...

The past is gone like a comet,

The future is all bright like a star...

In need of a friend desperately....

In need of a friend desperately..

some one to wipe off these

tears before it falls on the mat....

How i wish someone be 

there to pour out 

the shower that is a 

turmoil in the heart....

O how i wish a friend

be here to lend a 

tender ear to the anguish

cries of my soul...

Death

Crawling upon the stairs of life

The shadows of death finds the soul.

'Come, come to me' hails their voices

'for peace lies within death'.

Oh, a soul with such pain 

Can no more ignore the sign,

For peace is all that frees a soul

From this binding world of pandemonium.

Yet the binds of life,

Holds her for the moment

Stops the steps with a

Coldness to match the silence.

Looking back to the casket of life

Finding the evergreen roses

Tempted though she was

To retreat. Yet the peace

That the souls crave was

Stronger than the fragrace of rose.

And yes, a final good bye was not

Said, the peace was all she knew at last....

Broken

Later when time fell off and days grew colder, they kept drifting apart... Once in a while though they thought, 'Hah, But I miss her', 'Hah, but I miss him'. 


But neither found the courage to go back to each other.... Maybe it was guilt or ,maybe pride that kept them from each other... But whatever it was, the crack grew as the days sped. 


From 'Hi', 'Hello' to cold glances to ice cold silence and finally they could no more bear being in the same room...


They wanted to reach out, pull the past back, to put each others hearts together...  But the pride, that was a living thing, were crawling inside of them and keeping them from reaching out...


And nothing was left to do but the inevitable and they drew apart forever... Never to be back again....

A silent promise

Holding someone's arms 

as you navigate around the world

 is like telling them 

you will always be there with them,

 no matter how the road turns out to be....

 A silent promise that speaks volumes....

Tear

And there a drop of tear

slipped from my eye.

I tried to hold them back

to smile fake and dupe the wold...

But the moment did pass 

and so did my tears....

A letter to yesterday

Last Night, Crushing out the waste

With over trembling hands

I sat to write a letter

Aye, A letter to yesterday

Reckoned or unreckoned to a

Yesterday, excepted its seclusion.

And thus I began The letter,

 Aye a letter to yesterday!

'Dear yesterday' and thus I

addressed the past with resignation.

And  I wrote as forth..

Why were you so unfair...

Why did you make a pandemonium?

Was it all a play for you?

Why didn't you stop when I let him go?

Oh, he owns my heart! He owns my soul...

Oh, he owns my heart! He owns my soul...

 Life wasn't fair, so wasn't you.....

You say if all flowers were roses

Then what beauty in a garden...

But oh yesterday you dint even let me be a weed!

Last Night, Crushing out the waste

With over trembling hands

I sat to write a letter

Aye, A letter to yesterday

Reckoned or unreckoned to a

Yesterday, excepted its seclusion.

And thus I began The letter,

 Aye a letter to yesterday!

'Dear yesterday' and thus I

addressed the past with resignation.

And  I wrote as forth..

Pain and Regrets!

Everything has a beginning and an ending. When relating a story we all begin it with, 'once, when i was...', etc., So here is how my story, the real one, begins...


This is not in an 'once upon a time' fashion or a 'long time back' thing. Its rather a very new one, like the latest trend. To be frank it happened just few days back! The day when i realized what it means to achieve some thing!


I am not taking about getting gadgets or any of the stuffs that some people value. I am taking about getting admitted to one of the Top rated law collages in India. 


When one of my friend mentioned law as a profession for me, I laughed at him. But, right now, from where I stand there is no other professions in the world for me except law.( Its laughable). I gave the CLAT 2011 exam with no seriousness and full of over confidence. I din't bother to check the question paper or  attend any  coaching ( i never bother to inquire about any coaching centers either) So that is how i went to attend the exam. But what i saw at the exam center gave me quite a shock. With hundreds of highly trained students, I felt like a numb, But not so much (I still had my over confidence).  The question paper was another shock, but my stupid stub born pride din't let me think of anything but getting in the NUALS. 


Two weeks after the exam the results came. I score 79 marks with 9326 rank. For a student with no coaching to begin with, it was not bad either. But it was no where good to get me into national law collage. Yet my stupid pride din't let me feel bad. I hoped for a seat in reserved category. But alas, they had just 6 seats with 11 students and me being 10th. It bought a crack in my pride. I felt like this is not going to be anywhere near easy. Two days later a notification was again updated in the website about a few vacant seats and candidates who are interested in seeking admission to NUALS must attend the counselling with full preparation to pay the fees on being granted admission. My hopes reached the 7th sky.  And Heart full of hopes and eyes full of dreams I set out for my destination.  But what i never knew was that the original intend of god was some thing else....

By the time i reached there my anticipation was so high! But all it took was just one  look inside the counselling hall to realize that the I am indeed standing on an egg shell. But my heart was not ready to quite. I registered at the counter and went to find a  place in the crowed. But nothing is not that easy. It took them almost 3 & half hours to decide. The longest 3 and half hours of my life. With tension ebbing from the crowed I tried to get lost in my own world. I kept calling and messaging my friends who gave me their full support and prayer and wishes ( Special thanks to them!)  It was during those three hours that I realized the momentum of the thing I was just going to achieve. 


Its said that the fruit of patience is sweet.. but in my case it just din't happened to be so.... after the wait they finally announced the students selected. And there it went down.. every single of my hope... LIKE A SAND CASTLE IN THE WAVES..... The waves left nothing behind.... I was totally broken. But something else made me ashamed of my self.... of my incapability of achieving this....It was nothing but the face of my FATHER after the realizing that I am not in..... I'll never forget the pain in his face... the tears in his eyes that he never bothered to shed.... I left like nothing.... I thought about everything I have done... everything i didn't do..... I felt like I deserved it..... If god has taken me down then and there I would have went without any objection... It was when i realized what it means to live.....My own pain and guilt with my father's pain combined inside me and made an havoc of everything inside and outside of me....


It will take me eons to look in my father's eyes again with out feeling a little of the pain....

But my all so sweet father, all he said was, 'Its okay darling, we still have next year or try for Kerala Entrance. I am sure you'll get through...'

Tiger

Silence! silence! silence! silence!
Like a place awaiting violence!


Nothing moved or nothing mewed,
Like they were all doomed...


'Grrrr!' the violence that killed the silence
Over and over the silence...


More movements and more sounds
and they were out in the open Ground.


The bodies burned with fire.
The eyes focused far, reflected the fury.


Nothing moved or nothing mewed,

Like they were all doomed...

Oh you, people! Look upon their beauty

The beauty of the death deep in their vanity.

But stop! stop and look closer.

Is that hazel depth a reflection of terror!

But what could they fear?, 

The powerful brat of soldier!

Oh then the disaster came the way

'Blaa!' the shot flew along the way..

The breath went up! the breath went down!

The breath went up! the breath went down!

Silence! silence! silence! silence!

Like a place after the violence!

Night!

Sitting on the armchair,
On the swings with the-
melancholy of the silence.
I opened my eyes to the
darkness piercing through the air.
Nothing moved or nothing mewed!
cheeraping  of the nightingale near or
did the wind bought the voice?
I know not, for darkness is all!
Upon the swing, the stars
poured the light with
picturesque stillness of the picasso's.
Dripping down the sky,
drops of dew,
washed the depraved face.


Untouched! untouchable forever
the night goes on and on....  

Memories Of A Dream

Last night I was disturbed... It took me long to fall into the obligation of sleep. I knew this for sure because I was staring at the bright clock in the dark room. It was well before 1 AM. I knew something was bothering me but i couldn't see what it was. I concentrated on my inner voice, but i dint hear anything... I turned around the bed wishing for the peace of sleep to find me... And finally I took my mobile, plugged the ear phone and set to hear some melodies....


The next thing I knew was the sound of my mom calling me, 'Wake up. wake up'. the fear in her voice or the coldness of her awoke the usually lazy me in an instant. I looked into her face. In the bright light of the florescent lamp, I saw the tears flowing down her eyes. I felt an odd kind of pain seizing my soul... After a moment I found my voice and asked her, 'Mama what happened?'  Her answer was more tears that squeezed my heart more. 'Mama, tell me what happened?' I shook  her. And in her tears all she managed was a single word, 'DAD......'.For a moment I was stuck in place. I felt the blood leaving my face and the coldness wrapping around me....


I ran to my dad's room.... Did I hit the sofa? I don't remember....All i  remember is the cold, pale, lifeless body of my dad lying on the bed.... I heard someone howling, and realized it was my own voice... Suddenly the force to balance gravity was no more in me..... I dint feel myself slipping down... I didn't feel the tears falling down.... I dint feel the coldness of the floor below me....I dint hear the sounds escaping me. I don't know how much time I sat like that... I wasn't aware of anything other than the fact that my dad is no more. The foundation on which I build my world is no more there... I felt like being crushed... I felt like being teared apart... The person I loved and respected more in the world is no more there.... I couldn't imagine my world anymore.... It doesn't exist....I don't exist... I felt my vision getting blurred...


                        *                        *                                    *                                       


I woke up with a rush.. For a minute, I dint know what was happening. I shook my head thrice before I cleared my vision. my eyes were staring at my book self. I turned around but found nothing unusual. I checked the time and it was 7 in the morning.


I realized I was just dreaming... I couldn't stop the sigh that left me. I got out of bed and ran to the living area where my dad sat reading the morning news paper. For a minute I couldn't stop the single drop of tear that slipped from my eyes.... I don't remember how long I  stood there looking at him before he saw me and asked me ' Oh, what happened? You woke up early today'. 


I just smiled at him and went to sit with him........    

  

എന്ടെ യാത്ര

മഴവില്ലിന്ടെ വര്‍ണ്ണങ്ങള്‍ ചാല്ലിച്ച അക്ഷരക്കൂട്ടുകളുടെ ആടയനിയിച്ച     അതി സുന്ദരിയാണ് കവിതകള്‍ . മുള്‍മുനകള്‍ കൊണ്ട് മുറിവേറ്റ മനസ്സിന്ടെ മനോഹരമായ മണ്ടഹാസമാണ് കവിത എന്ന് പറയുന്നതിലും തെറ്റില്ല. 

മനസ്സിന്ടെ അഗാതങ്ങളെ ആഴത്തില്‍ തൊടുന്ന മഹാന്മാരുടെ പേനകള്‍ വിഹരിച്ച വഴികളിലൂടെ ഇഴയുവാന്‍ ഞാന്‍ ശ്രമിക്കുന്നു . വഴിയില്ലെ  മുള്ളുകളും പുഷ്പ സ്പര്‍ശങ്ങളും ഏറ്റു ഞാന്‍ എന്ടെ യാത്ര തുടങ്ങുനതെ ഉള്ളു !!

Where are my thoughts?

Where are my thought?
I wounder how they slipped!
was it on the person
whom I loved the most?
was it on the person
Whom expired last night?
Was it on the person
who was my best friend?
or was it on the person
who had wounded me the most?
I wounder, lying on the bed of grasses.
Where are my thought?


Maybe it is on the sun,
That shines so bright.
Maybe it is on the moon,
That lightened my nights
Maybe they are on the, 
raindrops dropping down the mat.
Or maybe on the wind,
that is caressing my chest.
I wounder lying on the bed of grass
Where are my thoughts?

The Uninvited Visitor

Death is just a closed door away.... how easily people you see regularly becomes people u saw..... How cruelly life brings its twist.... sometimes i wounder how carelessly fate plays with us..... And all that is left to do is stand and watch how the play goes.....

An Irish Blessing Song

May the road rise to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

And the rain fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May the god hold you in the palm of his hand.

Height

Though how my heart cries..
Though how life tries its funny twist!
How far would I manage to climb,
Though the fear of crumbling down? 
Alas my life! Alas the fear!
Oh, how I fear, it's nothing near!

A little Bit of Salt

If life is sweetened  too much Then, my dear, You better add a little bit of salt....as too much sugar is injurious to health

What, oh What A Night Was That!

I remember that night
hot air and moon beams were
possessed with an irresistible magic!
The stars from the sky
Blinked towards Me.
Angels in the heaven
rejoiced the picture
The full moon so bright 
that i thought it displaced the sun...
But there was something
about the moon light itself
So natural, So pure, so heavenly..
Small clouds floating around the
sky embracing the moon
And the icy picture of the sky....
What Oh What a night was that!


The air was so exotic with the
fragrance of the night's Jasmine
blooming in the secret of the night..
But except all this
there was peace in my soul
peace in my heart
Peace inside me...
What oh what a night was that!


As the wind blew, I could
Feel the freedom of the sky
calling towards me...
Pulling me towards it...
The freedom filled me 
it swept me like 
a leaf floating in the  wind
I went with it for the
endless journey. It 
guided me towards the
endless, endless, endless freedom