Thursday, July 21, 2011

Pain and Regrets!

Everything has a beginning and an ending. When relating a story we all begin it with, 'once, when i was...', etc., So here is how my story, the real one, begins...


This is not in an 'once upon a time' fashion or a 'long time back' thing. Its rather a very new one, like the latest trend. To be frank it happened just few days back! The day when i realized what it means to achieve some thing!


I am not taking about getting gadgets or any of the stuffs that some people value. I am taking about getting admitted to one of the Top rated law collages in India. 


When one of my friend mentioned law as a profession for me, I laughed at him. But, right now, from where I stand there is no other professions in the world for me except law.( Its laughable). I gave the CLAT 2011 exam with no seriousness and full of over confidence. I din't bother to check the question paper or  attend any  coaching ( i never bother to inquire about any coaching centers either) So that is how i went to attend the exam. But what i saw at the exam center gave me quite a shock. With hundreds of highly trained students, I felt like a numb, But not so much (I still had my over confidence).  The question paper was another shock, but my stupid stub born pride din't let me think of anything but getting in the NUALS. 


Two weeks after the exam the results came. I score 79 marks with 9326 rank. For a student with no coaching to begin with, it was not bad either. But it was no where good to get me into national law collage. Yet my stupid pride din't let me feel bad. I hoped for a seat in reserved category. But alas, they had just 6 seats with 11 students and me being 10th. It bought a crack in my pride. I felt like this is not going to be anywhere near easy. Two days later a notification was again updated in the website about a few vacant seats and candidates who are interested in seeking admission to NUALS must attend the counselling with full preparation to pay the fees on being granted admission. My hopes reached the 7th sky.  And Heart full of hopes and eyes full of dreams I set out for my destination.  But what i never knew was that the original intend of god was some thing else....

By the time i reached there my anticipation was so high! But all it took was just one  look inside the counselling hall to realize that the I am indeed standing on an egg shell. But my heart was not ready to quite. I registered at the counter and went to find a  place in the crowed. But nothing is not that easy. It took them almost 3 & half hours to decide. The longest 3 and half hours of my life. With tension ebbing from the crowed I tried to get lost in my own world. I kept calling and messaging my friends who gave me their full support and prayer and wishes ( Special thanks to them!)  It was during those three hours that I realized the momentum of the thing I was just going to achieve. 


Its said that the fruit of patience is sweet.. but in my case it just din't happened to be so.... after the wait they finally announced the students selected. And there it went down.. every single of my hope... LIKE A SAND CASTLE IN THE WAVES..... The waves left nothing behind.... I was totally broken. But something else made me ashamed of my self.... of my incapability of achieving this....It was nothing but the face of my FATHER after the realizing that I am not in..... I'll never forget the pain in his face... the tears in his eyes that he never bothered to shed.... I left like nothing.... I thought about everything I have done... everything i didn't do..... I felt like I deserved it..... If god has taken me down then and there I would have went without any objection... It was when i realized what it means to live.....My own pain and guilt with my father's pain combined inside me and made an havoc of everything inside and outside of me....


It will take me eons to look in my father's eyes again with out feeling a little of the pain....




But my all so sweet father, all he said was, 'Its okay darling, we still have next year or try for Kerala Entrance. I am sure you'll get through...'

8 comments:

ഒരു ദുബായിക്കാരന്‍ said...

Don't Give Up..Try Try until you succeed!!

Niya said...

Yeah! I have already began trying!

Ayushi B said...

Pain and regrets ! wish life could avoid them.

Niya said...

@Ayushi B well you can't! they are simply a part of life... You can only learn to face it with courage so fierce that even pain and regrets will never even dare to come in front of you!

Vijay Menon said...

Well there are moments in life where you just feel you deserved all that but all of a sudden you end up having nothing. It has happened to me, you and everyone. So do not worry much, things will fall in place. Just keep trying.

Cheers!

...Here I Am!

Niya said...

@vijay menon yeah m well aware of that fact! thanks for the support! :)

Aruna said...

u can do it sissy......i am sure u can.....:)

Niya said...

@Aruna i hop i do... its sis' like u that makes me keep trying :) thanks for the support sissy :)

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